VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.