I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.