My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame