Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
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I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy