people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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