WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.