i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg