Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.