Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If You LOL At These 18 Tweets, You’re Probably A Terrible Person
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If You’re One of These 12 Restaurant Customers, Your Server is Definitely Spitting in Your Food
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
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