We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
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I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
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We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me