Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dating After Heartbreak
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.