For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?