He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever