When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
