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It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
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