Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
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I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
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I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning