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Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
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