She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.