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If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I wish there were birth control emojis
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
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