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Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
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