He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
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Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
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New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.