When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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