i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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