new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.