there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle