Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
