I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
