Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
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