All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids