Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Please. i have SOME standards
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.