We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it