Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
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When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
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I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
if i can run in heels then i can drive