I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
if i can run in heels then i can drive