I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?