He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.