No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad