So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year