Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night