I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!