The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.