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Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
whose ass print is on the piano?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
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