Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
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remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer