Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.