I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.