She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Wonâ€™t Believe
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA