She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
23 People Confess Why They Donâ€™t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me