She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
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But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
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When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .