Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
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Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
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What changed your mind?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"