So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
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I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.