I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
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Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
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note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.