I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
