i just had sex bonerless
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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