I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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