I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
