Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I wish you could order shots online.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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