Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
