I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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