You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
