Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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