I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
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so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.