i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.