Don't make out with my wife yet
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
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Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
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my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.