Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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