You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.