Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups