Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.