You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.